Darkness encourages thought.
This morning while embarking on my journey to the unknown work commute, I began to think. I’m convinced this wouldn’t happen if the sun was out at 6am…
My mental Rolodex began to scroll through all of the people who have hurt me in one way or another. I am still in contact with an overwhelming majority of them, and I love the ones that are close to me. I’ve forgiven them all, some without even realizing when it happened. From the outside looking in, one would say that I still hold a grudge towards each and every one. I beg to differ. I have adjusted.
Growing up with two older siblings, I was blessed to learn what not to do in order to stay off of punishment. Every time my sisters got into big trouble, I’d make a mental note and adjust my behavior as to not make the same mistakes. This has evolved as I have. When it comes to forgiveness, the act is two-fold. I forgive the person for what they’ve done, and I adjust myself. I modify whatever needs to be modified in order to ensure that the same thing does not happen to me again from the same source. Most of the time, this changes the nature of our relationship, for better or worse.
While walking in the dark I thought, what if just simply forgave? No adjustments or modification involved. I hit me how many missed opportunities I’ve caused myself by being so over-protective. How many memories I don’t have because I stood in the way of them being made.
Well not anymore. I decided in the darkness that forgiveness and adjustment are officially divorced. As the dark sky and morning clouds are my witness, I will no longer stand in my own way