True Life: I Seent A Hoarder!

So I know we’ve all seen the show Hoarders. For those that have been living under a rock, let me give you a brief summary.

The show lets us into the life of someone who does not know how to throw shit away. Most of these people also have the habit of seeing something they like and buying all of them in every color. In some cases hoarders like to collect animals because they are the only living thing stupid enough to step foot into their house.

Over my interesting to say the least Thanksgiving holiday, I was privileged *insert sarcasm here* to see a borderline hoarder with my own two eyes. I am not saying this out of exaggeration. Let me explain.

1. The Bathroom

  • There were real curtains on the SHOWER. THE SHOWER. This indicates that she had no windows left uncurtained. (I know that’s not a real word)
  • As I tinkle, I notice that there were a myriad of air fresheners to choose from. There were four in use, and 5 more under the pile of unopened tissue boxes (two boxes were open on the counter).
  • Washing my hands was interesting. Why? Because of all of the choices! Three soap dispensers, 3 bars of soap, 2 lotions and 3 hand sanitizers.
  • I’ve yet to mention the decorations. Plastic flowers. Everywhere

2. Did I mention the plastic flowers? They were everywhere. On every wall in every room. On every counter. Every side table. There were some that were stand-alone! This would be one of those things that she likes and buys too many of.

3. I’ve never seen so much paper in one house. There were books everywhere. There were bookshelves, but I’m assuming that those were filled to capacity a couple of decades ago. Every table had a stack of reading material. There were also a few of the little magazine holders by each couch, and they were all overflowing. And the owner’s seat of choice was also the resting place of every store’s sale ads from the past month’s newspapers. Question: Who needs World Book encyclopedias from the 80’s. I’m pretty sure there’s a plethora of history missing from those books.

4. There wasn’t a shortage of seating. If the couches and chairs all filled up, all we would have to do was pull out an extra recliner from the dining room. There were four. Why does one person need four extra recliners?

5. Every true southern woman has a china cabinet to showcase her best dishes. I had the pleasure of seeing one filled with coffee mugs and random glasses, on display for all eyes. Coffee mugs? Oh ok.

Fast forward to the next day. *Whhhrrrruuup* (that’s my fast forward sound)

So I lied. This was not the home of a borderline hoarder. This woman needs to be smack dab in the middle of my television screen. Upon further investigation *read: conversation over dinner*, I found out that there’s another room that’s filled to the brim. There was also a car that was stuffed with clothing. Wowzers.

I love Hoarders because it is outrageously messy. (no pun intended) I never in a million years thought that I’d witness the mess first-hand. I’ll never look at the show the same again. I’ll also contemplate sending them an email.