I Will Be Careful With My Steps

I have had a habit in the past of making decisions on a whim and immediately carrying them out without a second thought. This seemed to work for me quite well, mainly because I wasn’t concerned with consequences. Whatever happened in the future was not happening in the present, thus not at the forefront of my thoughts. I was in the moment, the decision and seeing that it was carried out in grande fashion.

Those days are no more. I have much more time to think on my hands. I contemplate my future more often than one would think. I ponder over the domino effect of various decisions. I weigh the options of stepping out on a random hunch or waiting for opportunity to fall into my lap. I have not completely abandoned my gut feelings and instincts, though. Those feelings are what landed me in Nashville again in the first place. That is a decision that I am still reminded, sometimes on a daily basis, was the right one to make. When it comes to my future, I am careful with my steps.  am not going to up and decide that I am supposed to follow Option A or start pursuing Idea B. Everything about a decision will be well analyzed and prayed over. I will not place a time limit on making decisions. However long it takes for me know received answers and approval/disapproval from the man upstairs will be how long it takes me to take my next step. This is, after all, my life and I have to make sure that I’m doing everything that is right for ME.

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The Year Of The 30 Day Challenge

I am almost done with my first 30 Day Challenge of the year. I’ve never done a challenge before, and didn’t enter 2012 with intentions to start. That was until I stumbled on a Letter Writing Challenge. There’s a different person for every day. It could be as simple as writing to the last person you’ve kissed, or a little more difficult. The other day I had to write to the person who I wish I could be. Overall, I’ve enjoyed myself and my thoughts.

Now that the challenge is almost over, I want to continue. I think that every 30 days should be accompanied by a new challenge. I’m convinced that this will help me improve different areas of my life, depending on the challenge. My only issue is conjuring up ideas. I don’t any good ideas!

There is always the option of taking the lazy way out and spend the next month only drinking water. I drink water more than any other beverage. That would be a piece of cake. Or I could do something that I already planned on like reading every day. I can’t come up with anything creative.

I need help. February is right around the corner. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Shouldn’t there be a tumblr for this? There must be! *goes to google*

A Song For Saturday

I’ve mulling over what song to choose for this week since last week. Right now as I’m typing, I have no idea what song will be at the end of this paragraph. This week has been up, down and all around. I’ve been frustrated to the point of wanting to say fuck it all. I’ve been on cloud nine for my friends and their accomplishments. I’ve been bubbling with ideas and nervous about taking steps to make them reality. A complete rollercoaster. What song out there in the world describes a rollercoaster? I don’t know. I’m not about the rollercoaster life though. I’m learning how to chill out and take things as they come, but never stop planning and preparing for the future. 

I’ve finally decided on a feel good song, which is appropriate since I can say that as of this moment, that’s exactly how I feel. And I’m going to try to keep this feeling. I’m alive and in good health. My little family unit has a roof over our heads and food to eat. And we’ll be welcoming another member any day now. I’m happy.

Happy Face. Enjoy, it’s a throwback.  Sidenote: I had floor seats at this concert, and had a ball.

 

Are Good Christians Allowed To Listen To Secular Music?

I was washing dishes and talking to God the other day, and thought of the above question. Yes, I talk to God while doing household chores. Me and the Big Guy have a unique relationship. He gets me.

Ok, back to my question. There is no need for me to explain my love for music. But as a good Christian woman am I allowed to listen to secular music? I”m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I just need to know if I have to stop listening to Hip Hop and R&B in order to get there. Don’t get me wrong, I love all music. Honestly. I listen to Gospel and Contemporary Christian, not so much Christian rap (not too fond of it), but I love me some Hip Hop and R&B along with occasional pop and rock. Love.

I know what Lucifer’s position in heaven was and I know all about his fall. I don’t listen to anything that blatantly worships the devil. I love lyrics. I love wordplay. I don’t think that will change as I grow closer to God. I do think that what I choose to listen to will evolve as the artists in the music industry evolve.  But seriously!!! I need answers!

I AM NOT HER

Growing up, I used to want to be a myriad of things when I became an adult. A great musician – can’t play an instrument or read a note of sheet music. A neonatologist – I figured out how many years of school were required and let that one go quickly. A day care owner – this one still pops up from time to time, but as something I want to do when I’m older. A teacher – only lasted a few days. You get my point.

Never have I wanted to be her. I’ve never wanted to treat people like dirt, and act like none of it ever happened when I need something. So I don’t. I’ve never wanted to drown my problems in alcohol. So I haven’t. I’ve never aspired to depend on substances. So I haven’t. I’ve never dreamed of allowing anger and depression take over my life. So I haven’t.

Becoming her doesn’t happen overnight. There is a mentality behind that way of life that I do not possess. She turned to things for comfort and answers instead of God and her family. She swam in an olympic sized pool of her own sorrows instead of doing something about what made her unhappy. She conveniently forgot how to support herself financially, mentally and emotionally. All of her everything lay in one thing and one thing only.

Nothing about the previous statements described the person that I am, the person who I’ve been or the person who I am becoming. When I hear that people who should know better are looking at me as if I’m her… When I notice that people are treating me in such a way that I know they are thinking of her… It is infuriating.

I am not her. I don’t want to be her. I never will be anything close to her. It is sad that  the very people who taught me, and exposed me to a lifestyle that equipped me to be the opposite of her, are looking at me and seeing her. These people, who have been educated in the type of person that she is. They should all know more than anyone. Me does not equal her. Me is not similar to her.

I am not changing anything about myself in an attempt to convince people who should need no convincing in the first place. Keep relating me to her and I will remove myself until I no longer feel that being myself will be met with insults.

*steps off of soap box*

*drops mic*

*flips imaginary hair*

*walks away*

Dear……

Everyone,
I’m ok. No, really. No need to speculate or ask everyone but me how I’m doing. Asking my sister will land you on an express train to nowhere. All she does is tell me everything. And what do i do? I laugh. Just fall back guys. Stop worrying. I say that with lots of love.

Grandmother,
I know you’re old and you mean well, but I’m at the ripe age of 24. 24 year olds go out and do things. I am in a position that has me at events that I wouldn’t be able to attend because I have other things to pay for, along with allowing me to go out and do the things that 24 year olds do for free. I’m going to go do these things.  I promise that my daddy knows. Stop snitching.
P.S – I am not my mother.
P.S.S. – shout out to you for coming through in the clutch. Love you Fox!

Stores With New Clothes,
I don’t think that I like you that much anymore. I’m cheating on you with thrift stores. Don’t get too down on yourself, I still need you for things like shoes and underwear, and from time to time I’ll stop by for wardrobe essentials. The thrift and vintage world is stealing my heart and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Steelers,
Get it together. I love you, and I’ll never denounce my love, but seriously GET IT TOGETHER! Offensive line, I’m looking at you.
P.S. – To my husband Hines Ward, I love you the mostest!

White Girl At Work,
Let me be more specific. Lazy white girl at work. I was not hired to do your assignments. I do not work under you. I am not in the office to do all of the things that you don’t feel like doing. Don’t put anything on my desk without an explanation. I’m going to assume that you forgot where the trash can is located and help you out.

Life,
Originally I was going to tell you that if you throw me one more curve ball then I was going to quit you altogether. Then I was reminded that I have favor and faith. So to you I say, bring it on. And I’ll leave you with the wise words of BoneCrusher: I ain’t neva scared.