I spend more time bracing myself than what is healthy. You know how people tense up in preparation for an impact that they see coming? I do the exact same thing mentally and emotionally almost every day. The problem lies in the fact that I don’t know what’s coming or exactly when it’s coming. I just make sure that I’m always prepared.
I never get too comfortable with someone: the next blow may be that they’re no long in my life. I never stop looking for jobs: I could lose the ones I have, or have my wages cut suddenly. I take all promises with a grain of salt: the promisor could very well not mean any of it. The same goes for conversations and plans for the future with others: I do not know what tomorrow holds. Anything could happen.
I am not a pessimist. I’ve developed this habit because I hate the feelings that accompany the impact. The disappointment, stress, sadness etc. I want to be ready for them all in advance which will make working them will be easier. Well, that’s my logic anyway.
There is a slight problem with this lifestyle I’ve chosen. It is hindering me from fully experiencing and enjoying things. I never bask in the moments of my life because I’m too occupied with ensuring that I’m prepared for them to end. I taint great memories because I feel that I need to accept that something so great may never happen again. I’m too busy planning how I’m going to pick up pieces that haven’t even fallen. I spend way too much time thinking about “what if” scenarios. I’m starting to become defeated before there’s even a fight.
I know that I should be prepared to an extent. I’m not wanting to live some care-free life, or frolic around like I have no issues. I just don’t want to think so much that I create unnecessary problems.
Isn’t this what God is for? Shouldn’t my faith take care of this? I think so. I’m hoping that as my relationship with God grows, my need to stay ready for impact will diminish.