Brace Yourself! But Not THAT Much

I spend more time bracing myself than what is healthy. You know how people tense up in preparation for an impact that they see coming? I do the exact same thing mentally and emotionally almost every day. The problem lies in the fact that I don’t know what’s coming or exactly when it’s coming. I just make sure that I’m always prepared.

I never get too comfortable with someone: the next blow may be that they’re no long in my life. I never stop looking for jobs: I could lose the ones I have, or have my wages cut suddenly. I take all promises with a grain of salt: the promisor could very well not mean any of it. The same goes for conversations and plans for the future with others: I do not know what tomorrow holds. Anything could happen.
I am not a pessimist. I’ve developed this habit because I hate the feelings that accompany the impact. The disappointment, stress, sadness etc. I want to be ready for them all in advance which will make working them will be easier. Well, that’s my logic anyway.

There is a slight problem with this lifestyle I’ve chosen. It is hindering me from fully experiencing and enjoying things. I never bask in the moments of my life because I’m too occupied with ensuring that I’m prepared for them to end. I taint great memories because I feel that I need to accept that something so great may never happen again. I’m too busy planning how I’m going to pick up pieces that haven’t even fallen. I spend way too much time thinking about “what if” scenarios. I’m starting to become defeated before there’s even a fight.

I know that I should be prepared to an extent. I’m not wanting to live some care-free life, or frolic around like I have no issues. I just don’t want to think so much that I create unnecessary problems.
Isn’t this what God is for? Shouldn’t my faith take care of this? I think so. I’m hoping that as my relationship with God grows, my need to stay ready for impact will diminish.

Deal Breakers: I’ve Got One.

My current existence in this space called life has provoked yet another “aha” lightbulb moment. I’ve always said that my number one deal breaker as far as men are concerned is lying.

Well, I lied.

I didn’t realize that this statement was a fib when I was claiming it loud and proud. I sincerely believed it to be true, which was not the case for two reasons.

1. Deal breakers, by obvious definition, are things that make you break the deal. For good. I’ve taken  someone back who has lied to me. Hell, I’ve probably taken back a few someones who have lied to me and didn’t know it. The one that I’m talking about was a liar by omission, which shouldn’t count but does. It makes me feel a little bit better than if he were an outright liar, because I can’t stand them.

2. I’ve been lying to myself when I’ve said that liars are my deal breaker. (that’s a bunch of lies haha. don’t mind me, I’m a dork.) My true deal breaker is honesty. Better yet, verbal freedom. If I don’t feel like I can tell you everything, there is no way that we can work. I have plenty to say at all times, and it is inevitable that some things won’t make sense. I have to know that I can tell you these things and you will listen. I have to feel that I can talk without reservation.

Wait. Who am I kidding? I’m my number one deal breaker. Why? because I stand in my own way. I don’t want to be completely open with anyone. I don’t want to tell anyone everything. I don’t want to be transparent. I want to tell him (whomever he may be) just enough. Just enough for me to be able to keep all of my guards intact. Enough to allow all my sensitive parts to remain under wraps. Pretty messed up. I know. I’m working on it. Admitting that one has a problem is the first step, right?