Growing up, I used to want to be a myriad of things when I became an adult. A great musician – can’t play an instrument or read a note of sheet music. A neonatologist – I figured out how many years of school were required and let that one go quickly. A day care owner – this one still pops up from time to time, but as something I want to do when I’m older. A teacher – only lasted a few days. You get my point.

Never have I wanted to be her. I’ve never wanted to treat people like dirt, and act like none of it ever happened when I need something. So I don’t. I’ve never wanted to drown my problems in alcohol. So I haven’t. I’ve never aspired to depend on substances. So I haven’t. I’ve never dreamed of allowing anger and depression take over my life. So I haven’t.

Becoming her doesn’t happen overnight. There is a mentality behind that way of life that I do not possess. She turned to things for comfort and answers instead of God and her family. She swam in an olympic sized pool of her own sorrows instead of doing something about what made her unhappy. She conveniently forgot how to support herself financially, mentally and emotionally. All of her everything lay in one thing and one thing only.

Nothing about the previous statements described the person that I am, the person who I’ve been or the person who I am becoming. When I hear that people who should know better are looking at me as if I’m her… When I notice that people are treating me in such a way that I know they are thinking of her… It is infuriating.

I am not her. I don’t want to be her. I never will be anything close to her. It is sad that  the very people who taught me, and exposed me to a lifestyle that equipped me to be the opposite of her, are looking at me and seeing her. These people, who have been educated in the type of person that she is. They should all know more than anyone. Me does not equal her. Me is not similar to her.

I am not changing anything about myself in an attempt to convince people who should need no convincing in the first place. Keep relating me to her and I will remove myself until I no longer feel that being myself will be met with insults.

*steps off of soap box*

*drops mic*

*flips imaginary hair*

*walks away*

3 thoughts on “I AM NOT HER

  1. From this end, there r no thoughts of u being or becoming “her”. I just long to know the real of U. Not this surface stuff. But the real, ambitious, dreaming, achieving U. But 24 yr old stuff is not 50 yr old stuff. So I know we won’t think alike. And no rush though, just know that when ur ready I’m here. I’ve been robbed of being able to celebrate my girls because life has gotten n the way. Both mine and yours.

  2. Wow!! That is my first thoughts. I completely understand what you are feeling. I have been compared to her in a different way. When I stand up for myself if my son, as the adult that I am, I am told that I am being just like her. I am only being me and if that means your feeling were hurt cause I called you out….THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME HER!! I have taken care of my family since u was a kid and for some reason that seems to get forgotten. She abandoned us all and forced us to live in her misery. Everything I know about being a great mother, woman, sister, and daughter she taught me. But not in the traditional sense, I always think about how she would react/respond and do the opposite. I strive to be nothing short of better than her. So just cause you get to experience an unpleasant side of me it still does not mean I am anything close to her.

    Now I love how everyone has turned a blind eye to the one that is the closest to mirroring her life in every aspect. She drinks for no Damn reason, does drugs, is completely high strung, and spasses out for no reason. On the other hand she is highly sensitive, caring, and funny as long as things are going her way and no one is disagreeing with her way of life. That is the one you all should be looking at and questioning as to what is going on in her life. Not me and Beth!!

    Lastly I have learned that ppl make time for what they TRULY want to do. So blaming life is a cop-out. When your life changed and we felt like we needed to take a number to get any of your attention….we backed off. Just figures it was easier to let you live your life while we lived ours.

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