My current existence in this space called life has provoked yet another “aha” lightbulb moment. I’ve always said that my number one deal breaker as far as men are concerned is lying.
Well, I lied.
I didn’t realize that this statement was a fib when I was claiming it loud and proud. I sincerely believed it to be true, which was not the case for two reasons.
1. Deal breakers, by
obvious definition, are things that make you break the deal. For good. I’ve taken someone back who has lied to me. Hell, I’ve probably taken back a few someones who have lied to me and didn’t know it. The one that I’m talking about was a liar by omission, which shouldn’t count but does. It makes me feel a little bit better than if he were an outright liar, because I can’t stand them.
2. I’ve been lying to myself when I’ve said that liars are my deal breaker. (that’s a bunch of lies haha. don’t mind me, I’m a dork.) My true deal breaker is honesty. Better yet, verbal freedom. If I don’t feel like I can tell you everything, there is no way that we can work. I have plenty to say at all times, and it is inevitable that some things won’t make sense. I have to know that I can tell you these things and you will listen. I have to feel that I can talk without reservation.
Wait. Who am I kidding? I’m my number one deal breaker. Why? because I stand in my own way. I don’t want to be completely open with anyone. I don’t want to tell anyone everything. I don’t want to be transparent. I want to tell him (whomever he may be) just enough. Just enough for me to be able to keep all of my guards intact. Enough to allow all my sensitive parts to remain under wraps. Pretty messed up. I know. I’m working on it. Admitting that one has a problem is the first step, right?